Parental Censorship

Fairness. It's a concept near and dear to the hearts of children everywhere, particularly those with politically progressive parents I suspect. So of course my 6yr old gets on his 'NO FAIR!' Binge days quite often.

How's a progressive parent to resond?

'Life's not fair' - nah, that's a bit undermining and depressing, politically speaking. Let's not go there.

'I'm sorry you feel that way' - while it may be how the book-writing-pop-psychologist experts would like me to respond.... Meh.

'Shh! Don't let the overlords hear you say that! If you manage to get to the age of 18 complaining about unfairness everytime you don't get exactly what you *want* when you have everything you *need*, I will be deemed a failure as a momster and have no choice but to eat you for dinner. I'm trying to watch my weight and you'l totally throw that off and THAT is not fair!'

Heh... Little bugger ran off before I could finish my evil monologue. Foo.

f my grad program, not my life

Having an absolutely craptastic day. Woke with my system so out of wack every little bad smell had me wretching & actually vomiting a couple times. Hubby hadn't managed to get 3yr old dressed before he left the house (he's about as sleep deprived as I am, maybe moreso, so not really surprising even though the extra to-do item on my morning list couldn't have been on a much worse day it turns out). Eldest kept returning to our part of the house for various and sundry last minute items before his grandfather was walking him to school, in rain that was setting off more of my symptoms so no way I could drive him & have any hope of making it to class on time (and hubby and I have had talks about 1st grader staying w grandpa in mornings & not coming into the part of the house where little brothers are still trying to sleep- days when I have a morning class I really need to delegate as much as I can if I have any hope of actually making it out the door before totally exhausting myself). He came back to me a total of five times this morning, more than any other day previously (grandpa has been walking him to school since last school year, not new proceedure). I called my care provider (who comes to my home to help me with getting kids in van then goes to campus with me, caring for my 3yr old at a kid-friendly space while I *try* to attend class with the baby), she made effort to get to my place a bit early in case my eldest actually needed a ride to school on top of everything else, luckily spotting him walking with grandpa as she was enroute to me.

I still hadn't managed to dress myself by the time the care provider arrived, still waiting for the pain med to fully kick in before trying to make those contortions. She helped get the 3yr old dressed & baby diapered & such but we were still clearly cutting time close by the time we were all seatbelted in the van. Sent a message to the prof's email from my phone via MMS telling her I was running late as the care provider buckled kids in the van. I hadn't managed to feed myself or the 3yr old so tried to swing thru BK for breakfast sandwiches, sat in the drive thru line behind just 4 cars for more than 10min before being handed food. Finally on the way, we made good time and I actually managed to drop off the care provider and 3yr old and get to the door of the parking garage for my class just before the class actually started.

Once again my ID card did NOT let me into the garage, a problem I had notified the Access Services office of 2 weeks prior. I called them on my cell while sitting there and they kept telling me the card should work. A building staff member happened to be outside and see what was happening (I *think* he was coincidentally the person who authorized me via email to have access to the elevator from the parking garage a few weeks ago, interaction with him resulting in my hitting my head against my desk repeatedly when he suggested I should take my scooter out thru the garage entrance into oncoming traffic that can't are me thru the door using a finicky sensor my scooter might not be large/heavy enough to trigger anyway, to then go halfway around the building to get up the ramp at the front, down the hallway to the elevator whose shaft is about 10ft from where my van is parked a floor below, to get to the 3rd floor where my classroom is about 20ft from the elevator. Instead of just giving me access to entering the elevator from the basement and locomoting no more than 50 ft instead of well over 500 in possibly inclimate weather that might damage my scooter and was the reason I paid EXTRA for an indoor space to begin with. Yeah, my opinion of his mental facilities is great and the self control to not lit into him exhausting my already low reserves. I only kept it in check by reminding myself mentally repeatedly that I'm not 100% sure it's the same guy).

So I was already pretty flustered and not at my mental best when I pulled into the handicapped parking space. I then proceeded to apparently use the power LOCK instead of unlock, locking keys, cell phone, scooter, and most importantly 16 week old BABY in the damn van. I immediately went to the campus emegency phone mounted on the wall by the elevator (10ft from the van) and called campus police for help. Then I sat on the ground next to the van, trying to keep my physical pain and anxiety in check while waiting for the officer to arrive. Luckily the baby had fallen asleep just before we got off the freeway and slept thru the whole thing, he hates his carseat and frequently screams the entire time he's forced to be in it. Well, he slept thru the more than 20min it took the officers (a second arrived, who turned out to be one I knew well and liked from undergrad time 10yrs ago) when they succeeded in getting the door unlocked finally, it set off the car alarm and that woke him (verifying he's at least not totally deaf - been having a few concerns lately that I intend to bring up at his well-baby appointment on Monday). By this point, I had been standing (on concrete no less) for at least twice as long as I can generally handle on a GOOD day so my pain level was at least double what it had been when I left the house AND I could feel a panic attack looming from having had to keep it together while my baby was trapped (I am good in a crisis but as soon as the danger is passed I lose it pretty quickly when I let go of the self control). I sent a message from my phone to instructor and the dean of the program letting them know what happened and why even tho I had made it to the building I wouldn't be making it to the floor my class is on, then called my care provider to tell her I was on my way to her location and in no shape to drive.

I got to the parking lot of the building where she and my 3yr old were, barely holding back tears. As soon as I shifted the van into park, I lost the last bit of my control, and fell forward onto the steering wheel shaking and sobbing from the physical pain & stress. A stranger saw me and came up to make sure I was all right & safe, she gave me a bottle of water she had (which I used to take more pain meds, being JUST with it enough to realize taking them with the coffee I had with me would NOT help fend off the anxiety attack/nervous breakdown), and she stayed with me until my care provider and son came out. I managed to get a grip on my control again before they came out (it took a bit to pull him away from his activity) so I wasn't sobbing like that in front of my toddler at least (not that that does much to offset the shame I feel at having been that out of control in front of a stranger! She really was a lovely human being, people like her happening to be there when need hits makes me believe in guardian spirits or angels or whatever you want to call them. She was black and had a non-native-English-speaker accent, her demeanor reminded me strongly of my German grandmother who passed away when I was 16 though she looked nothing like Granma obviously). When my care provider arrived, I had moved to the back seat and was holding the baby. I had calmed down enough to realize that trying to feed him before the pain meds got more digested & into my blood/milk would be a good plan, so I fed him in the van before heading out.

Essentially, my productive day (at least as far as my grad program goes) ended as a possibility within 30min of the time the 2hr class I was scheduled to be in started, abrupt aborted dispite my best efforts to attend. Yet I'm facing an automatic failing grade because my inability to attend dispite my best efforts is held in equal regard with 'oops I overslept' or 'too hung over to attend class' or 'I screwed up and double-booked myself for an appointment at the same time as class' repeat absences, absences that would indicate a student who places much lower priority on *being there* than I have demonstrated.

They might give me a F for this oppressive Oppression class, but I'm starting to not really give a flying F... What the F do they know about daily, hourly, inescapable even when surrounded by 'my kind and kin' oppression - oppression from one's own body rebelling against one's aspirations? That they use my baby's need of me as the focal point just pours salt in this wound - the irony that the ONE thing my body does properly and naturallly without fuss or real difficulty- gestate, birth, and nourish babies - that's what is the focal point for acts of oppression upon a physically disabled student. That F-ing burns.

This post has taken nearly 12 hours of constantly interrupted time to compose on my cell phone (haven't had the energy to pull my laptop out of my backpack where I put it this morning to take to my non-class for lack of instruction). Sorry if it's a bit of a jumble in parts and phone may have auto-corrected oddly in spots that I missed fixing. Thankful for Blogger's post by email tool filtering out extra stuff since I don't have a data plan, this was sent via MMS

should I "journal" for class here?

OK, I'm taking an Oppression and Social Justice class this fall (I'm in graduate school part-time at Case Western Reserve University's Mandel School of Applied Social Sciences working on a Master of Science in Social Administration, Community and Social Development focus - or "at CWRU's MSASS for an MSSA in the CSD track" for the alphabet soup fans - in case anyone who reads this has missed the "Ahmie went back to school" news last academic year). One of the main assignments for class is to keep a journal, writing at least one page per week. I suck at journaling on a regular basis as anyone following my blog knows well, but the length ain't an issue AT ALL... I plan to blog my journal entries instead of just writing them privately because I love having others on the journey with me (especially when I'm finding the journey annoying and obnoxious like I feel being TOLD to keep a weekly journal is, expect snarkiness). My question is, should I blog here (on my dragonmama.blogspot.com blog that cross-posts to FB), should I just post them as FB notes, or should I post them on a separate blog (I have a separate tumble-blog that I could use) so folks are only seeing the posts if they specifically want to see it? If no one gives feedback asking me to do otherwise, I'll probably post to Blogger with auto-cross-posting to FB since I find it easier to find my older posts (to later copy-and-paste them into the format the professor wants handed in). I'm also trying to decide if I *should* be doing this in a semi-public blog (you can find this one on Blogger by searching for my name or primary email address, but not my school email address). Other option is to do the blogging under my pen name (which I'm mildly protective of and only a few people know that's me - if you're a blog follower or FB friend and want to know then ask and I'll tell you privately). Already have a blog, website, FB account, etc under that one and can do similar linking/cross-posting, but might be a little more protection of the innocent so to speak.

Oh, and as for my writing, I finished the first draft of my novel last summer just before getting pregnant with Col. I haven't finished the first edit yet so I haven't let anyone else read it (tho there are a few trusted folks I'm thinking of just giving up on trying to edit it before showing it to - basically, people who I consider close family regardless of lack of DNA-sharing). I have two other very fleshed out stories in that same universe planned out, a few short stories planned in that universe (a few characters from the 1st one appearing in the others, but different main characters), and another storyline that is compatible with the universe of the first group but seems to want to be its own series that has been growing like a freaking wildflower in primo compost in my brain for the last month or so (that's the vampire one for those who know about it).

Baby Col is 3 months old as of yesterday, doing wonderful, very sweet-tempered baby even with some reflux issues (he doesn't spit up but I'm nearly positive it's partway up when he gets hiccups after nursing, as he REALLY gets unhappy when he has the hiccups). Big brothers are being wonderful to him but not always wonderful to each other (mostly fighting over time/space with the baby, ironically) and the biggest problem I'm having with sibling issues is keeping 6yr old from picking 3mo up off the floor when I set him down for a little tummy time. Baby spends most of his time in adult arms/babywearing just to keep from having him constantly poked by his brothers.

um.. yeah.. update re new baby

for those who didn't already hear thru other channels, i gave birth to a 3rd healthy boy, Lincoln "Col" Cheuk-Hou Yeung, at home on 5/22. He was 9lbs at birth and is within an ounce or two of 13lbs (depending on how recently he has eaten in relation to losing ounces out the other end) at 11 weeks old now. Newborn pictures here, more recent ones of just Col here, ones of me & all three kids in breastfeeding-friendly chainmail (no joke, it was made by our friend Ian), and pictures of the family at Cedar Point. Still haven't got around to writing the birth story but will probably post it here on Blogger when I finally do (which I *think* still cross-posts to FB, where I post/interact much more regularly for anyone reading this who hasn't already friended me on there).

A midterm question

One I'd really like an answer to from my Research Methods prof:

A researcher observes two important variables under study of a subject in a control environment & notes a correlative relationship. Researcher believes the correlative relationship to be causitive. The issues under study are far outside the life experiences of the researcher, and the observed behaviors go against established traditions. Without further (qualitative) investigation, the researcher jumps to a conclusion and rushes to disseminate the findings, complete with firm intervention recommendations, with outright claims that the reported causitive variable was an independent one. Upon dissemination, questions are raised over whether the 'causitive' variable was truly such, and even over whether it was a relevant variable in the observed effect at all. Questions are also raised over if some of the variables cast off as extraneous might not have been actually confounding variables, or even the true causitive one(s). What is the appropriate professional response from the researcher?

One social researcher's view

I don't know if it's being back in academia or that I've been in a major writing phase of my life for the last year or so, but I've felt the pull to write up a metaphor for how I look at social research issues for a while now. I find myself with some rare quiet moments (and lacking access to the readings I need to do for my next class) so I'm going to give this a shot. This entire post is getting composed on my BlackBerry so excuse weird typos - and please point them out in comments so I can correct them!

The most apt metaphor for my current views on social research issues is that of building construction. Every building, no matter how cookie cutter prefab, has individual differences that make it unique. Most buildings have a lot of variation, subtle and not, from the buildings around it. This is how I view individual adults - a lot like buildings, particularly homes. Being friends with a lot of fans of remodeling, I'm well aware that any 'finished' home may not be nearly as finished at some point in the future, as the internal workings (aka inhabitants and. visitors) are apt to change things over time. Even so, general asumptions of similar situations, future outcomes, and such can be compared and predicted with some level of accuracy amongst homes share similar characteristics such as building materials, age of appliances, quality of insulation, etc. As such, similar generalizations can be made/predicted between groups of people who share similar characteristics (age, gender identity, parenting status, household income, and so forth - generally with a better level of accuracy when there are more areas of similarity between individuals being studied). No comparison or prediction is going to really be 100% (houses or people) because there is no realistic way to keep all the various ways the individuals can differ matching, and any mismatch between individuals studied (or the study group and another outside individual looked at later in relation to the study's findings) introduce potential errors in the comparison/prediction.

My real interest, personally, tends to lie in looking at those particular aspects of life that introduce variation, with an eye toward improving future 'construction' techniques/environments. I see the structure of the individual 'building' as existing very much in its environment and as a result of those involved in its construction - directly and indirectly. In building construction, some of these differences could be the underlaying/surrounding geographic features (solid bedrock, flood plain, fault line, high erosion, etc), the quality of the materials used in the foundation/construction/remodeling, the skill of the construction workers/archetects/etc, and variations in building code requirements between areas (which often have variations related to risks that are particularly more of an issue in one local over another, often related to the geographic conditions) .
With humans, the geographic issues are the society/culture/etc the individual exists in. Building materials quality is the quality of nutrition and other basic survival needs the individual has had over time. Construction worker 'skill' is the direct effects of important others who have been part of the individual's life (parents, teachers, mentors, lovers, etc) and whether any of those relationships have been exceptional in any way (good or bad - optimal nurturing relationships all around, long history of abuse from multiple important others, and everything in between). Variations in building codes overlaps with community assets and support structures that often have a much less direct/obvious impact on the individual but may have had an effect if looked at in relation to other individuals without that asset (such as access to quality heath care improves overall community health, which has the impact of less likelihood of an individual being exposed to a dangerous communicable disease even if they are overall healthier than average, accessa to free public education improves the intellectual environment of children regardless of their participation in it by usually bringing along other related assets such as public libraries and more others capable of sharing information that may have otherwise been outside of the individual's awareness).

Since I am generally much more davinsted with prevention than remediation of issues, I focus most of my attention on the construction (aka developmentalist) part of things, so this metaphor ma not fit quite as well with researchers focused on other aspecthe human experience. I do, however, feel quite strongly that keenh in mind how all these different factors affect and shape every individual differently is a very important thing to bear in mind for ALL research involving human subjects, so are it here in hopes of furthering a discussion not just between social researchers, but also with 'lay' people who may wonder why so much effort and time is out into studying social issues (and a bit of a idea why publication & dissemination of findings can take so long - often only to have some fundamental aspect of society change and render some aspect of the research outdated!). I hope, if nothing lar, this has given some insight to people curious about me regarding one of *my* (many) obsessive interests ;)