First Birth (original poem by Ahmie Yeung)

I thought I had posted this ages ago but a search of my blog is not pulling it up anywhere. I had also meant to share it on the anniversary of my eldest's birth 3 weeks ago, then got distracted while looking for it on my hard drive. Today isn't any particularly special day - my 2nd son's birthday is in a week and I'm posting this now so I don't forget then. Just went looking for something else to do while my computer works on uploading wedding pictures I took for my friends on Saturday (almost typed "yesterday" then looked at the clock and realized it's after 1am so it's Monday now). The numbers at the end are my time stamp for when I finished it - year.month.day.hour.minute (approx). Hopefully it's readable, it's posted as an image because the formatting doesn't translate to web otherwise and the alternating of straight against the margin then undulating in a somewhat random pattern was the way I experienced my labor (I never fell into a regular pattern... not in 3 unmedicated, intervention-free births. Just not the way I roll ;) ).


Copyright is mine, yada yada yada... don't be an ass, ask first before reposting and don't try to claim it as your own.

should I "journal" for class here?

OK, I'm taking an Oppression and Social Justice class this fall (I'm in graduate school part-time at Case Western Reserve University's Mandel School of Applied Social Sciences working on a Master of Science in Social Administration, Community and Social Development focus - or "at CWRU's MSASS for an MSSA in the CSD track" for the alphabet soup fans - in case anyone who reads this has missed the "Ahmie went back to school" news last academic year). One of the main assignments for class is to keep a journal, writing at least one page per week. I suck at journaling on a regular basis as anyone following my blog knows well, but the length ain't an issue AT ALL... I plan to blog my journal entries instead of just writing them privately because I love having others on the journey with me (especially when I'm finding the journey annoying and obnoxious like I feel being TOLD to keep a weekly journal is, expect snarkiness). My question is, should I blog here (on my dragonmama.blogspot.com blog that cross-posts to FB), should I just post them as FB notes, or should I post them on a separate blog (I have a separate tumble-blog that I could use) so folks are only seeing the posts if they specifically want to see it? If no one gives feedback asking me to do otherwise, I'll probably post to Blogger with auto-cross-posting to FB since I find it easier to find my older posts (to later copy-and-paste them into the format the professor wants handed in). I'm also trying to decide if I *should* be doing this in a semi-public blog (you can find this one on Blogger by searching for my name or primary email address, but not my school email address). Other option is to do the blogging under my pen name (which I'm mildly protective of and only a few people know that's me - if you're a blog follower or FB friend and want to know then ask and I'll tell you privately). Already have a blog, website, FB account, etc under that one and can do similar linking/cross-posting, but might be a little more protection of the innocent so to speak.

Oh, and as for my writing, I finished the first draft of my novel last summer just before getting pregnant with Col. I haven't finished the first edit yet so I haven't let anyone else read it (tho there are a few trusted folks I'm thinking of just giving up on trying to edit it before showing it to - basically, people who I consider close family regardless of lack of DNA-sharing). I have two other very fleshed out stories in that same universe planned out, a few short stories planned in that universe (a few characters from the 1st one appearing in the others, but different main characters), and another storyline that is compatible with the universe of the first group but seems to want to be its own series that has been growing like a freaking wildflower in primo compost in my brain for the last month or so (that's the vampire one for those who know about it).

Baby Col is 3 months old as of yesterday, doing wonderful, very sweet-tempered baby even with some reflux issues (he doesn't spit up but I'm nearly positive it's partway up when he gets hiccups after nursing, as he REALLY gets unhappy when he has the hiccups). Big brothers are being wonderful to him but not always wonderful to each other (mostly fighting over time/space with the baby, ironically) and the biggest problem I'm having with sibling issues is keeping 6yr old from picking 3mo up off the floor when I set him down for a little tummy time. Baby spends most of his time in adult arms/babywearing just to keep from having him constantly poked by his brothers.

um.. yeah.. update re new baby

for those who didn't already hear thru other channels, i gave birth to a 3rd healthy boy, Lincoln "Col" Cheuk-Hou Yeung, at home on 5/22. He was 9lbs at birth and is within an ounce or two of 13lbs (depending on how recently he has eaten in relation to losing ounces out the other end) at 11 weeks old now. Newborn pictures here, more recent ones of just Col here, ones of me & all three kids in breastfeeding-friendly chainmail (no joke, it was made by our friend Ian), and pictures of the family at Cedar Point. Still haven't got around to writing the birth story but will probably post it here on Blogger when I finally do (which I *think* still cross-posts to FB, where I post/interact much more regularly for anyone reading this who hasn't already friended me on there).

Hospital Gifts

Let's say that, to entice women to give birth at a specific hospital, the hospital started giving away really nice baby sleeping device to every family that birthed there. While the mom and baby were at the hospital, the baby would become accustomed to the sleeping aid, which would serve to sooth the newborn to sleep quickly and keep them asleep longer. Some were concerned that there could be potential negative side effects - such as newborns not gaining weight appropriately due to not waking often enough to feed - but the manufacturer, hospital, and society in general assured the new mothers that the device was a godsend and would help them get that thing they were constantly being told they'd long for in the coming months: a decent night's sleep.

There's one drawback to this "free" sleep device, though. It only comes with a starter battery that will last for less than a week after discharge, then the replacement batteries cost about $150 per month. And the babies have been trained to really want the device in order to go to sleep by the time it leaves the hospital, so much so that it will reject (with very loud screams) any other method used to try to get them to sleep.

Mothers are pressured - subtlety and not-so-subtlety - to use the device, in some cases being called names if they chose other methods to get their newborns to sleep and willingly "suffer" through the many night-wakings. More hospitals start feeling market pressured to provide this wonderful "free" gift to new families and institute them, until almost every baby born in the country spends their first few unconscious spans of post-birth life in one of the sleep devices.

A few hospitals start to rebel against this trend, instead teaching new parents how to sooth their newborns to sleep in their own arms, only to be criticized for not giving a nice "free" gift to new mothers who live in poverty.

Think this sounds surreal? Guess what... it's what we've been doing as a country for decades, only with infant formula/breastmilk instead of sleep device/mother's arms. And yes, people raise a rukus when hospitals stop giving away the "free" formula samples to new families, even though "free" breastfeeding education, training, and support would save the families more than a THOUSAND DOLLARS in just the first year of the child's life on groceries alone. But we tax-payers get to pay for a lot of that formula instead. Where's the ruckus to do what's right for babies and poor families from the start? Some WIC agencies will provide a breastpump for new moms if they ask for one, but from what I've heard it's a LOT easier to get the "free" formula than the breastpump, and many times the pumps given are inadequate and inefficient (which results in the moms falling back to using formula instead out of frustration).

Can this situation be changed? Only if more of us demand better for American families and stand up to support them instead of looking the other way - or worse, harrassing the new moms who DO try to breastfeed when that happens to be in the presence of others.

Do your part, for us.

VP Pelosi?

So Pelosi was speaking today and saying "Democrats will have a Dream Ticket" but said it won't be Obama/Clinton or Clinton/Obama. The woman had a total cat-who-ate-the-canary grin on her face while saying it. I'd be willing to bet dollars to cents that she's been tapped to be Obama's VP, and she'd be a much better VP than Hillary (Pelosi has been in the US House of Representatives since 1987, Minority Whip, then Minority Leader, now Speaker of the House, opposed the war from the start, matches Barack's record very well in most areas from what I got scanning through her Wikipedia entry). That would work very well, as it totally undermines the support base behind Hillary without having the divisiveness Hillary brings to the VP slot - Pelosi is another woman "of a certain age" BUT she's got REAL national government level experience that she EARNED FOR HERSELF (and nicely she's seemed to "grow a pair" recently in arguing with Bush, she's been a bit too polite to him for my taste since becoming Speaker). If it really is about it being "a woman's turn" to Hillary's supporters, Pelosi is also a woman so that argument loses steam, and asking Pelosi over Hillary is easily explained because Hillary made the argument for it - Pelosi has more security experience, more experience PERIOD, and brings the "big state that Barack lost" of California legitimately (instead of the "big state" of NY as a carpetbagger).


Garvin saw the video too and agrees with me - she was just smiling WAY to big for it to be someone else who has been tapped. Watch for it. I don't think he'll announce anything of the sort before he's officially the nominee delegate-wise, but if you start seeing a sudden large number of superdelegates announcing support for him, it's been announced behind the scenes. Mark my words.

For those who still aren't feeling too terribly committed one way or the other, a graphic I made for you:
(that's formated 6x4 if anyone wants to print it out, I'm planning to print one and stick it in a magnetic 4x6 holder to stick on my van)

In other news, Del finally had his two bottom teeth pop through the gum line in the last few days. He seems really less than thrilled with the two weird, hard, sharp things in his mouth that he can't get out. NOt been doing good things to my mental funcitoning, lack of sleep combined with fibromyalgia flaring up (which it has been, off and on, since October - I haven't been at my normal energy levels since then) and I'm a bit off my game to say the least.

Clare's blessingway

Today I hosted a Blessingway for my bestmama-friend Clare. It went well, and since folks seemed to like it I've posted the text of the script I wrote for it here - all of the text was written by me except for the part that everyone had assigned parts, that part was written by Clare. It was sacred and secular at the same time, and seemed to go over well with all who attended. I'm fine with folks borrowing bits of it to host a Blessingway for another expectant mother, I'd like to know that you borrowed from me for it tho.

Awake too early and really pissed at my spouse

You know, there's a REASON I tell the guy to do things a certain way. Like advising him to discuss Chinese names for this baby back in late February, before his father went to visit his brothers (who speak English better than he does), instead of being an idiot like last time and avoiding the subject until my last month of pregnancy. But no. Mister Conflict-Avoidant couldn't quite seem to bring up the discussion until the last few days, when I'm even CLOSER to my due date than I was when we had the big blow up about Liam's Chinese name (for those who don't already know, the first time they got Garvin's cousin to email me an attempt at spelling it for the birth certificate, the email I got said my firstborn son's name should be Charmin. Yes, exactly like the toilet paper. And it resulted in a big screaming argument over long-distance phone lines and me throwing slippers and such at walls until *I*, in all my resplendant late pregnancy patience, suggested we go with the Mandarin spelling and pronounciation instead, which is how the child came to have Zhuo-Ming on his birth certificate instead of a brand of toilet paper since his DADDY wouldn't fucking stand up and say "NO" to his grandfather about this).

So what's the problem? This time the suggestion for the second character (first is determined by generation) is Yin. For boy or girl. The way that the English-to-Cantonese websites spell the boy version is Cheuk-Yin. Not so bad, right? Here's the problem. When my fluent-Cantonese-speaking in-laws say Liam's name in Cantonese - Cheuk-Ming - it sounds to my English ears like "Chirk-min(g)" (the g is barely there). Now let's say it together with Yin instead of Ming... "Chirk-yin"... sounds an awful lot like "chicken" to me, especially after watching way too much Robot Chicken before going to bed last night (hey, it was the Star Wars special. Twice) and waking up to release a lot more liquid than I usually do into the toilet at 5am, making me wonder if I've sprung a little bit of a amno leak. Then going back to bed and having the baby get the hiccups... which distinctly felt like pecking at my lower uterus.

So I kicked Garvin out of bed at about 5:45 in tears after repeatedly trying to go back to sleep only to visualize giving birth to a baby boy covered in downy little white feathers every time I closed my eyes (ah, the joys of a pregnant brain). His dad is usually up at 5am anyway, I told Garvin that if *I* can't sleep because of something that is quite distinctively and avoidably his fault, there's no fucking way in hell he gets to sleep in either. He's downstairs now talking to his dad (maybe his mom too, don't know if she went into work early today or not). I don't feel the need to be part of the conversation but I swear, if he doesn't come back with some acceptable-to-English-ears options, if this baby is a boy his middle name will be Charles (after my grand-uncle who was the family photographer - sorry, Uncle Chuck, but I don't like your name enough for a first name). And I'm NOT going through the fuss of changing the name birth certificate later. The argument last time about "It's a good name in Chinese" stamp-stamp-stamp-pout-pout (from Garvin's father's end of the conversation - that was about all he'd say on the subject) doesn't hold water. They call Liam by his Cantonese name in public pretty much at every opportunity. I'm NOT having them call my second son what sounds like "chicken" in public. The kid's not growing up in Hong Kong, it's growing up in a ~95% native-English-speaking suburb of Cleveland (and that other very small minority of non-native English speakers are mostly Spanish speakers - if there are more than a handful of non-US-born Asian families in Lakewood I'd be surprised, from what I remember the census said there were ~800 Asians total in the suburb, quite likely including hapas like our kids).

The fact that Garvin's parents WON'T be refering to a second grandson by his English nickname doesn't help matters at all - the name we have picked out is Delano, Del for short... well... Del sounds like the Cantonese word for "throw away" (aka disposable). So they'll likely be relying on the Chinese name even more than they do for Liam (who I'd estimate gets called Cheuk-Ming about a quarter of the time by them, when they're just around the house... when we went out to lunch with their Cantonese-speaking friends from church, it was more like 80% of the time at least).

I consider myself a very patient preggo that my husband is not severely bruised at this point in time. I didn't even smack him repeatedly with the pillow. Especially considering that Liam was projectile vomiting last night for no decernable reason, setting off the mama hormones and preggo nose quite nicely, part of the reason that I didn't get to sleep until after 1:30am in the first place... so all this is on about 3.5hrs sleep (minus a bathroom trip and wake-up-in-pain-with-a-shin-splint in there somewhere).

Kudos to Target for being supportive of breastfeeding

I wanted to make this a separate post from the "baby stuff" one before, this is something that makes me so happy I'm actually tearing up a bit at the minute after having called Target's help line (for lack of another appropriate looking number) to say thanks directly. For once, I've found some major marketing from a large company that actually supports breastfeeding, mirroring their "actions" with their words/press releases... in fact, considering that particular press release said that women are welcome to breastfeed "discreetly" in their stores, I'd say this is actually even more progress since that press release (this part of the post has been edited).

As I mentioned in my last post, I created a Target registry for the Piglet. I don't remember them doing this when I was pregnant with Liam (though there was a LOT going on then so I may just have forgot), but this time around they handed me this really well printed full-color THICK catalog of baby gear with reminders of the "important" stuff to include on the registry. I got something similar from Babies R Us too, pretty standard. I shoved it into the bag of the few household items I'd picked up and took it home, intending to just let Liam look at the pictures of babies and such.

Well, I actually sat down and looked at it, and color me impressed. The first checklist in the catalog focuses on nursery stuff (crib, mattress, bedding, etc etc etc), but right there fourth from the bottom the Ahmie happiness starts: nursing pillow. Hmm. Cool to call it that instead of just "baby support pillow" or something a little more neutral. Moving on, two page full-color artistic spread of Boppy pillows on page 31, they say "feeding" without distinguishing which kind (and yes, Boppy pillows are wonderful for bottlefeeders too! They're one of my favorite baby items). Still happy Ahmie. A few pages down on pg 34 is that little padded "keep the comforter off the newborn" Close & Secure Sleeper, which makes nervous parents more comfortable with co-sleeping (which also helps with early breastfeeding) mixed in with the crib mattresses and such. Ok, flipping on... first time I spot a bottle, page 39 (also has a pacifier) mixed in with a bunch of baby clothes. No big, they're pretty ubiquitous in our culture, and plenty of breastfeeders have bottles also "just in case" or for when Mom's away (we have a stockpile, barely touched since Liam hated bottles). Another bottle isn't pictured until page 65, when it's used to illustrate a possible use of one of the pockets of a "behind the carseat" organizer (also shows a stuffed toy and a few other items in there). In the meantime, I have seen several happy looking children (with more racial diversity than you're likely to see outside of one of the big cities on the coast - the four parent/child pairs on page 55's baby carrier page has a Caucasian mom/baby, an Asian mom/baby, a medium complexion mom/baby that I think are Latinas, and an African-American DAD/baby - double kudos for showing an actively involved daddy, tho I do wish they had a little more sling and carrier style diversity... Mama really wants an Ergo but they're not available on any of the places I've seen baby registries, and the sling shown doesn't look terribly comfortable for mom... none of them are as easy for breastfeeding as a plain old ring sling, that's for sure). Oh, and mixed in with those happy, racially diverse children, there have been at least 3 sippy cups I've spotted between bottles... in other words, in a BABY registry, I've seen more sippy cups than bottles by the time I'm about halfway through the catalog. It gets better. Another little bottle is mixed in at the bottom of "stuff that fell out of the diaper bag" spread on pg 66 (understandable reference there), an inexplicable pacifier amongst a very creative display of what looks like playing cards showing off the "matching sets" (to show how you can have your play yard, stroller, carseat, baby swing, and high chair all color/pattern coordinate)... then it's on to baby toys, more pictures of happy pre-solids age racially diverse babies and a total lack of bottles in the pictures!

Another bottle isn't shown until pg 88, and in pride of place above the bottles is a (manual) breastpump. Yes, there are containers of formula on the same page (four of them, in fact, including two single-feeding bottles of Nestle Good Start Supreme), but the breastpump is sitting ON TOP of them, one of the formula bottles is on it's side... psychologically it conveys the idea that pumped milk is superior! In the checklist for the section, breast pump and nursing accessories are listed. formula is not!

It's here in the feeding section that I get really impressed. For starters try to help with picking bottles for people who plan to switch-feed (breast and bottle feeders) with sticking the Avent Naturally bottle in there (Avent claims that their silicone nipple mimics the shape and feel of the breast, which I don't entirely believe - Liam actually seemed to dislike silicone nipples and Avent and Playtex nipple shapes aren't all that different... most breasts I've seen are more shaped like the old-fashioned Playtex nipples than these over-rounded-edge ones they're selling now, but I don't have any memorable experiences of trying to nurse off a breast to compare nursing off a bottle with, maybe we can get a better product review from Liam someday). Following the two page spread of bottles is a two page spread of formulas (2 per page), pg 94 i a cluster of Nestle Good Start's various packaging (including showing how a bottle nipple fits directly on the probably 4oz bottles in the first picture that had the breastpump on top) and there's a powdered formula dispenser advertised with the bottles on page 95. Page 96 is the Enfamil spread,pg 98 is the Similac spread (including the Organic one front and center), various cute bibs with a bottle laying on one on the opposite page, then a 2 page spread of pacifiers (and I know plenty of breastfeeding moms that use those... Liam wouldn't use them consistantly until he was teething but boy did I wish he'd take one sometimes!).. then we're at the breastpumps. A page of "natural feeding 101" on page 102 gives an overview the different styles of pumps (single vs. double, manual vs. electric), the facing page has Medela supplies (including in pride of place the favorite pump of many of my nursing friends, the Medela Lug...er... Pump in Style at the standard price of $250, and the new Medela Swing that actually has me intrigued, but not intrigued enough to spend $150 when I have other pumps that I know work for me already). Turn the page and you get a two-page spread of Avent pumps, the manual ISIS on the left and the motorized ISIS iQ Uno and iQ Duo on the right), along with breast pads, microwave sterilizer, Avent-brand bottles and another inexplicable pacifier *shrug*. Next page has the pump that I actually own - it's rebranded by Lansinoh, but that's the Ameda Purely Yours in a different color (I bought mine off the lactation consultant when Liam was born) along with more storage supplies, creams and nursing pads, with the Evenflo Comfort Select dual on the opposite page (I haven't looked at it in more than 2 years but I *think* the other pump I bought was the single-side version of that pump, once I figured out I was doing most of my pumping while nursing on the other side and having the motor attached was easier to deal with than juggling baby, touch-the-breast pump bits, and motor somewhere off to the side usually on the floor). Next page is the Playtex double electric pump, with the First Years models (a double electric and a manual) on the facing page, then we're on to the diapering section.

So did you catch it? It's hard to keep count, I know, but tabulating the above that means that branded formula appeared on six pages (seven pages if you count the formula dispensor - it has powder in the chamber but no brand indicated), including the first picture that had the pump on top of the formula). Breastpumps appeared (including the first picture with the formula and the drawn illustrations of the differences between pumps) on NINE PAGES! They actually gave more "screen time" to breastpumps than they did to formula manufacturers! OH MY GOODNESS THIS IS PROGRESS! Yes, there are lots of pictures of bottles with white liquid in them, but the only time that you KNOW it's formula in there are in the two pictures that have a label on them (forgot to mention that Enfamil had their single-serve bottles pictured too). For all we know (and especially since I'm a photographer myself), it could be diluted white glue in the bottles (that's what they usually use in the pictures on cereal boxes, in case you didn't know - real milk isn't high enough viscosity to hold the "pose").

The cherry on top? In 125+ pages, there's not a SINGLE IMAGE of a baby and a bottle on the same PAGE, much less of a baby drinking from a bottle.

We've come a long way, babies.

Next step, I'd love to see a picture of a mom actually USING one of the nursing pillows, in one of the gliders they sell, with baby's face snuggled to her chest, shirt tucked in for modesty is fine (heck, that's how *I* nurse at home to minimize the blood loss from little nails!). Which just made something else occur to me - even tho I've seen them for sale in the stores, those silly nursing cape things to "discreetly nurse" weren't advertised in the book! Oh, and they could start carrying non-pajama nursing tops... and advertise nursing bras in the catalog too... those would be nice additions ;)

Feel the same way? Here's the number I called to say thank you (it's the registry help line, couldn't find another more appropriate number and the lady said she's able to send the message along easily - they're so happy to get compliments instead of complaints, it makes a Customer Service Rep's day, I speak from experience here). The number is 800-888-9333, select baby registries (I think 2 in the prompt) then 0 for an operator. They'll ask you specifics about whose registry when you're first connected to a human, but you can probably just tell them that you're calling with a general compliment about their registry process or something (I did tell them my name and let them look up my registry since I have one currently). The more compliments they get, the more likely they are to keep up the good work and even take further steps!

Pregnancy stuff

Well, Clare's creating a Blessingway for me based upon a book our family doctor lent us (Clare sees the same doctor, we love you Dr. Jenny - you're so cool!). As she's been telling folks about it (it's the afternoon of June 2nd at our place - if you know where I live, are reading this, and didn't get an invite, consider yourself invited - not that many people actually read this thing!) they've been asking about gifts. I had explicitly said that I don't expect gifts in the traditional "baby shower" sense, but apparently people REALLY like shopping for babies so I broke down and did a baby registry. Then I did two more. So if you're wondering what kind of things we actually need for this second baby, you can find the registries on Babies R Us, Target, and Amazon.com. The thing that really got me to make the registries wasn't so much expecting people to get things for us, but because BRU and Target both give 10% off items you purchase for yourself off the registry around when the baby is born, and Amazon is having a special going on until the 31st that if you create a registry with 15 or more items and keep it there for at least 2 weeks, they'll send you a coupon code for 25% off one item shipped from Amazon.com. Since they also have the best price by at least $30 on the swing we'd like for downstairs, and free shipping (and no sales tax since they're not in Ohio), I'm planning to use the coupon for that and basically get it half off MSRP. It'll probably be what the baby sits in while I eat dinner, at least while it's small (because eating with a sling on, while possible, isn't fun to do on a daily basis). We have a similar (though more brightly colored) version of that swing that I got at a garage sale when Liam was small and it was the only swing he'd consistently tolerate for more than 5min (frequently he'd start fussing and I'd switch it to swing the other way - front-back or side-to-side - and the change in direction would buy me a few more minutes to finish the dishes or something).

If you want a fun guessing game to play, go check out the Target registry and try to figure out how the items relate to the baby/birth. I swear they all do ;) Even the toilet seat. Seriously, if anyone is feeling a little Fred & George Weasley moment coming on, I really would like the toilet seat as a gift. And not just because of the glee I'd take writing into the baby book in the "gifts received" section!

Clare asked me if I'm afraid of anything with this pregnancy... honestly, in the traditional "what if" list, there's really nothing that has me worried. I'm convinced that anything that might happen in this pregnancy wouldn't have been prevented by my going a different route (well, ok, I *could* be eating better... I had more than 3 servings of ice cream yesterday because the temperature was close to 90 and Garvin's not got the window AC installed yet.. then I had a plain donut and a half for breakfast this morning... urg). The whole home or hospital thing really doesn't factor into it, and the decision to birth at home has nothing to do with my needle phobia (tho it's nice to not even have to worry about someone running interference with the hospital staff this time around). It's really based upon logical conclusions (not even really emotions, tho they factor in) that home is the best place for a healthy mother to birth a healthy baby. My tumbleblog has links to the online research I've done, plus I've done a lot of "paper reading"... there is no conclusive evidence anywhere that birthing at a hospital is safer for moms or babies (the research that says otherwise counts as "intentional home births" babies born in cabs on the way to the hospital and teenagers who give birth at prom and put their babies in the dumpster - no, I'm not kidding, they just looked at birth certificate data that indicated the location of birth and the mom/baby's condition when the certificate data was submitted, it's a really horribly designed piece of "research").

Really, the only thing that I'm REALLY afraid of is going into labor and having no one available to watch Liam. My father-in-law is NOT an option (his lack of childcare skills and a few other concerns prevent me from fully relaxing when he's taking care of Liam - I only ask him to watch Liam when there is no other option, but if I can't relax enough to *nap* while he's watching the child downstairs because I'm too wound up, how am I supposed to *birth* if he's the only one watching Liam?). My real deepest fear with this pregnancy is that I'll go into precipitous (translation: fast) labor before school is out, home alone with Liam and my father-in-law, and wind up calling 911 just to have ANYONE ELSE to deal with Liam while I birth the baby (I'd sooner catch it myself with paramedics in attendance than go into a germy ambulance to a germy hospital and have to lay flat on my back on a germy gurney). As long as Garvin's home, I can climb in the tub and slow down labor the same way I did with Liam when the CNM was busy with other patients (I swear, I would have birthed within an hour or so of arriving at the Loudoun Birthing Inn if she'd stayed in the room, and the only thing that held off the dialation was being in the tub) until the midwife, grandmothers, and other invited guests arrive to help with things. None of the currently "yes, please I'd like to be there" folks is more than a 30min drive and all have cell phones (Sabrina, do you want to be called since obviously Kathryn and I no longer run the risk of laboring within days of each other? Not sure I'd be able to hold off for you to get here if I labor as quick after it becomes conclusively labor since 2nd babies usually go quicker than first, but I'd love to have you present again if you want to be).

That's really the only thing that worries me. Not shoulder dystocia (way to resolve that=get mama to change positions), not cord around the neck (summersault the baby out through the cord, don't cut the cord until after the placenta is born so the baby gets extra oxygenated blood), not even cord prolapse (which considering how low this baby is riding already, it's unlikely to be an issue, especially since no one will be breaking my water early for me... but if it DID happen somehow, elevate my butt and get me the 3 blocks to the hospital) or placental abruption (can happen just as easily in the hospital, in fact with pitocin it's more likely and pitocin isn't administered in homebirths). We're litterally 5 minutes, door to door, from the hospital - I'd be there faster than the doctor would be, and if we suspected any SERIOUS problems we'd call so they'd be getting ready while we were on our way there. Maternal hemorrage is extremely unlikely in an intervention-free birth (especially when no one messes with the umbilical cord until after the placenta is born and baby starts breastfeeding immediately), but same issue that we could be at the hospital in plenty of time for them to deal with it if the first steps (abdominal massage, compression, etc) weren't immediately effective, and the "first aid" for it can be continued while I'm in the minivan on the way to the hospital anyway.

Really, I'm not feeling afraid of issues that are just birth related... I'm worried about issues that I face because I'm a stay-at-home mom to a toddler, and I don't know my neighbors as well as I think I should. These issues are resolvable, and I plan to work on getting to know my neighbors better in the next week, so I can ask them to help in case I *do* go into labor while home alone. Then I really will be pretty much fearless about this pregnancy/birth. I think a lot of people that I tell that I'm absolutely not afraid of giving birth think I'm either ignorant of all the things that "can go wrong" or that I'm planning to get an epidural as soon as I'm 3cm dialated or something. Others hear I'm planning a homebirth and assume that I'm doing it based upon touchy-feely/anti-establishment "reasons" and occassionally try to talk me out of it (not kidding) for the "sake of the baby" or say "don't be a martyr" (those ones only happen when Liam isn't underfoot demanding Mama's attention, as when he's underfoot it's really easy to point out that I've already done this unmedicated once). I'm truly more comfortable with the idea of an unassisted (meaning: no midwife present, not entirely alone!) birth than I am with a hospital birth in my situation. If we really do wind up having 5 kids (which is the number *I* think I want, Garvin says 3), I wouldn't be suprised if at least one of them wound up arriving before the midwife did, intentionally or not. Main problem is the difficulty of seeing what I'm doing and Garvin not being entirely sure of what he's doing (tho that'll change after this birth - sometimes he listens TOO well to me, I *ment* I didn't want him staring at my crotch and forgetting the rest of me existed when Liam was born, not that he wasn't allowed to so much as GLANCE DOWN as our child emerged from my body!).

Now if it would just go back to temps in the upper 60s/lower 70s... *pant* And I think I've consumed too much calcium, keep getting a shin splint in my left leg and it's sending pain all the way up to the groin on that side... not fun. But also not necessarily 100% pregnancy related.

No, I'm not always as calm as I sound over the phone

Didn't want this to be in the same post as saying welcome to the baby, even tho it's triggered this post directly. Now that he's out and from the sounds of it healthier than they even expected while Kathryn was laboring, I can let my breath out a little... Yes, Sabrina, I was containing my impulse to go spaz and I hid it from you because I knew you didn't need the extra stress, but someone due almost exactly when I am going into labor has/had me a little freaked out - in ways that are entirely MY issues and not anything to do with what Kathryn's family was dealing with. No, that DOESN'T mean you shouldn't have called me, I just tapped into my other supportive friends here (THANK YOU SERENA AND CLARE!!!!!!) and of course, Ravenclaw that I am, research research researched issues. The fact that we're planning a homebirth makes premature/preterm labor a bigger deal than for someone who had been planning a hospital birth all along - if this baby comes before June 9th (the day after school is out and when I am "officially" 36 weeks), it'll "have to" be in the hospital. I was watching Liam's birth video (finally figured out where it was on the computer - in a completely logical place that required I used the system search to find it of course) and while able to see that it was a really good hospital birth, there were so many unnecessary things that happened during it (including the nurse-midwife's verbal play-by-play commentary - yes, dearheart, I do have nerve endings that are firing just fine since they're not medicated, I know the head is out, if you don't want the rest of the baby flying out at warp speed and doing a bunjee jump toward the floor please shut your mouth, get your hands in position and STOP DISTRACTING ME! --- then the TWO times the suctioned him even tho he was crying quite lustily and not a gurgle to be heard, nice and pick, and BOTH times it interrupted him as he was just about to nurse... the fact that there were more strangers in the room than people I knew [5 hospital nurses vs. the CNM, my hubby, and my 2 friends], the big bright light they turned on in my face and having to rush to put plastic under my butt and move the bed/chair AGAIN right in the last few pushes... none of this was for my or Liam's benefit and it was REALLY annoying). As good as it was, as compared to the American standard of birth told via TLC's a Baby Story, it was still so disrupted and manipulated. The only way I'm letting that happen again is if there is a real medical indication (such as premature labor, or signs that the baby or I need closer monitoring). Yes, I'm going to pre-register at the hospital and make sure they have all the records accessible just in case, but I'm doing everything in my power to avoid going there. And I'm still freaking out about Garvin being more than 30 minutes away from me. And I'm having mild panic attacks about going into labor (early or on time or late!), being alone in the house with Liam and not being able to reach ANYONE on the phone to help except the 911 operator. I really need to get to know my new neighbors better. I swear, I'd catch the baby myself if the paramedics could hold Liam back from climbing on me while I pushed if there was no other medical reason to be at the hosptial, but the idea of birthing ALONE with the 3yo ANYWHERE (hospital or home or whatever) has me bugging out. Damn pregnancy hormones.

In other news, pictures from Liam's birthday party Saturday are up on our photos website (link at right). He and the other 2 kids that went to the movie (via the public transit train, no less) did REALLY well at the movie. I actually had less audio/focus difficulties than I did when Clare, Bryan, Garvin and I went to see Ghost Rider (when some old lady behind us kept saying "what'd he say?" every 2 minutes and "is he still the ghost rider" in between, totally disregarding the death glares I kept shooting her way). The movie is cute, but the plot is much less solid than the prior two movies. I do really like the resolution of the movie, and the kick-butt princess part is by far the best part of the movie (it comes near the end, of course). Large (diet) movie soda + popcorn + 8mos pregnant = very surprised that I made it through the movie without mad-dash to the bathroom (which was upstairs and on the other side of the lobby - eek!). Really proud of my son making it through his first feature-length in-theater film without running circles around the seats. He hadn't been into a theater since Goblet of Fire (I took him to a "Mommy & Me" screening of it with a friend), the last movie he'd SAT through in a theater was Shrek 2, funny enough (he was a couple months old at the time and incapable of independant locomotion - that helped). We may actually take him to see Order of the Phoenix the second time we see it in the theater (must see it without toddler distraction the first time, hopefully I'll have a newborn distracting me by then tho as it comes out a week after I'm due... I WILL see it opening day even if I'm still pregnant tho!).

In the last week (including yesterday) I actually broke down and created baby registries at Babies R Us and Target too, in case any of my dear readers are curious. The Target one should be extra amusing to look at - yes, every item on there DOES directly benefit the baby, you get to guess how... Especially since there's a toilet seat on the registry. I'm not joking, I'd actually really like to receive that particular item as a gift, and I'd put every single thing on both registries to use. At least at this point, every item is directly related to this birth/baby. Since I found out Target also does what Babies R Us does (which I didn't know about when I was pregnant with Liam but Clare says they did it when she did her wedding and baby registries) and gives the registry-maker 10% off items they purchase themselves after the "event" that they didn't receive as gifts, I may add a few more items that are less baby-related, but they are housewarming type things. In other words, don't be surprised to see power tools and adult-sized towels get added. Other things the baby could actually use are soft leather shoes (I found two pairs at Target yesterday that I could scan, but more would be nice) in solid neutral colors (cream, black, browns especially) - I didn't figure out the use of infant shoes until Liam was over 6mo and got really dilligent in his I-will-remove-these-socks efforts, but given that I'm now going to be outnumbered by kiddos while Garvin's at school (and Liam's enough to keep 5 adults busy and distracted at once all by himself), it makes sense to try to keep feet covered on colder days and such. Robeez is a good (if pricy) brand - the all-leather sandals Liam wore were that brand and the soles wore better than the ones from Target that I got him. Aside from the plain ones, this pair of course really caught my eye. I think the harliquin ones were Starchild shoes - that's a UK website, not finding a US one (I bought them off of a local mom who resells them. This particular pair off their website would likely be very popular with Garvin since he loved the 50% mommy 50% daddy outfit Liam had when he was tiny so much (and *I* like that the "50% mum" is on the RIGHT shoe ;) LOL). Too bad it's international shipping, not sure what the monetary conversion rate is right now. I'd be tempted to get them myself, even with international shipping and a less favorable exchange rate. We also stumbled upon what in the US is called "gdiapers" and I'm fascinated - this looks like a REAL eco-friendly diapering alternative because it minimizes washing (which is why in real examinations of the enviornmental impact, cloth diapers don't come out much ahead of disposables) and the "disposable" part is flushable/compostable. Very cool stuff. And it means if I forget the darn thing in the diaper bag after a change, it's not nearly as likely to be a problem as a full-cloth diaper (this was the major barrier to even really attempting cloth when Liam was small, I'd leave things in the diaper bag for a month at a stretch and that would be BAD with a dirty cloth diaper!) - the non-disposable part that can come in contact with pee/poop is supposed to air-dry in 10 minutes, and it's small enough to stick that bit in my pocket instead of the diaper bag or clip it to my purse or something while it dries if I need to rinse it out in a public bathroom instead of falling into the bowels of our "kiddos" backpack (ah, the unmentioned joys of breastfeeding and not needing an insulated obviously baby-specific diaper bag).

Piglet Movie is not distracting Liam anymore at the minute, better stop typing.