Showing posts with label seeking wisdom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label seeking wisdom. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Forecast (original poem)

I'm pissed, so I'm obsessively writing poetry. Some people I'm not sure I'll ever be able to really, fully forgive for how much they've hurt me over the last six months have had me crying for the four or five hours off and on. I hate crying (for myself, not others), it gives me nasty headaches. Add to it that I feel entirely stabbed in the back by one individual in particular and I'm in a bit of a rage that means I'm probably back to the insomnia that I had last week that I had JUST gotten back into some measure of control in the last two days. And it appears it was for nothing, because the jerks are going to get their way. People in positions of authority took their word over mine even though they easily verifiable mislead those authority figures. I'm not going to stop fighting this injustice, but I will NOT be engaging in this process that has been used to abuse me so thoroughly for the last several months. I wrote the following poem in reaction, if I continue to be unable to sleep I'll try working on my novel (which these asshats have distracted me from nearly every available minute I've had to work on for the last six months. I had PLANNED to have the first draft around 80,000 words done by Halloween. Because of them I barely touched it after September and I haven't written a word in it from what I can remember of the last two months.). Fuck you, gaslighters. I'm taking myself back.


Forecast

I’m not as sexy as an earthquake
or tsunami
you got me
coming at you like a hurricane
it’s all the same
no fancy telethon
to bring it on
all the sympathy
empathy
what I need
is nothing like you’ve ever seen.
Watch your step
I’ll bring you down
so much bigger on the inside
I reside
bide
my time is ticking away
yesterday
came too soon
predictable as the moon
and yet still I’m stunned
by the stab to my back
debris flying everywhere
no one cares
catch the flack
zooming past
like my son
moving on
can be done
or so I’m told
as I linger on
suffering prolonged
wonder why
I
don’t
say
good
bye.


aadpy201202010047

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Symbolic Interactionism (original poem)

meant to post this yesterday when I wrote it but was battling migraines (and still am, I've been hiding in a dark room for the last 6 hours and am too wired up from the caffeine that helps with the migraine pain to have any hope of getting to sleep anytime soon), then more crap hit the fan today that added a few lines to this from a totally different direction. I share this response to the forces that keep trying to hold me down, in hopes that others who feel that they're being held down and back might find it and find strength to push back through my words.

Whoever you are, you are not what others present you to be. You are more than the sum total of their opinions of you. Find your inner core reality, find something to LOVE about yourself, and stand upon that foundation when they try to knock you down. Then go look for that inner core reality worth loving in those around you, help them find it and stand with them. This is the way to real strength, from what I've lived.

Here's the poem:

Symbolic Interactionism
"You're so stubborn" you declared
as if not knowing where
I came from - this dissolution
of dissatisfaction
is not a symptom of mule-headedness.
I cannot confess
upon my knees,
nor begging will you see
for the scraps you've ever thrown my way.
I have put away those days
where I longed for you
and not some substitute
teacher, role model worth
the intentionality of my birth.
Decades of my always being the one
to bring the olive branch home
only to have you turn it into a switch
- the scars still itch
when I forget my self
and allow ghosts to dwell
within my heart crying "if only..."
but that path got too lonely
and I left it long ago
when I decided to blaze my own -
who cares if bridges burn
if they lead nowhere? So I learned
to release my hate, sadness, and resentment.
Now all you are to me is a disappointment,
a distraction from other priorities
that have taken over my loyalties.
Looking my way, you see
what you always wished to be
but you were unwilling to do the work
so resent my reminder of your worth.
I stopped crying for you a lifetime ago,
yet there is one more thing you should know.
When you called me stubborn, you were wrong.
I'm not JUST stubborn, I am strong,
beautiful, intelligent and kind.
And you can no longer claim what's mine.

(started 201110261401 added to 201110272338 - those are date/time marks for the curious YYYYMMDDHHMM)

Monday, June 20, 2011

First Birth (original poem by Ahmie Yeung)

I thought I had posted this ages ago but a search of my blog is not pulling it up anywhere. I had also meant to share it on the anniversary of my eldest's birth 3 weeks ago, then got distracted while looking for it on my hard drive. Today isn't any particularly special day - my 2nd son's birthday is in a week and I'm posting this now so I don't forget then. Just went looking for something else to do while my computer works on uploading wedding pictures I took for my friends on Saturday (almost typed "yesterday" then looked at the clock and realized it's after 1am so it's Monday now). The numbers at the end are my time stamp for when I finished it - year.month.day.hour.minute (approx). Hopefully it's readable, it's posted as an image because the formatting doesn't translate to web otherwise and the alternating of straight against the margin then undulating in a somewhat random pattern was the way I experienced my labor (I never fell into a regular pattern... not in 3 unmedicated, intervention-free births. Just not the way I roll ;) ).


Copyright is mine, yada yada yada... don't be an ass, ask first before reposting and don't try to claim it as your own.


Posted by Picasa

Monday, August 23, 2010

should I "journal" for class here?

OK, I'm taking an Oppression and Social Justice class this fall (I'm in graduate school part-time at Case Western Reserve University's Mandel School of Applied Social Sciences working on a Master of Science in Social Administration, Community and Social Development focus - or "at CWRU's MSASS for an MSSA in the CSD track" for the alphabet soup fans - in case anyone who reads this has missed the "Ahmie went back to school" news last academic year). One of the main assignments for class is to keep a journal, writing at least one page per week. I suck at journaling on a regular basis as anyone following my blog knows well, but the length ain't an issue AT ALL... I plan to blog my journal entries instead of just writing them privately because I love having others on the journey with me (especially when I'm finding the journey annoying and obnoxious like I feel being TOLD to keep a weekly journal is, expect snarkiness). My question is, should I blog here (on my dragonmama.blogspot.com blog that cross-posts to FB), should I just post them as FB notes, or should I post them on a separate blog (I have a separate tumble-blog that I could use) so folks are only seeing the posts if they specifically want to see it? If no one gives feedback asking me to do otherwise, I'll probably post to Blogger with auto-cross-posting to FB since I find it easier to find my older posts (to later copy-and-paste them into the format the professor wants handed in). I'm also trying to decide if I *should* be doing this in a semi-public blog (you can find this one on Blogger by searching for my name or primary email address, but not my school email address). Other option is to do the blogging under my pen name (which I'm mildly protective of and only a few people know that's me - if you're a blog follower or FB friend and want to know then ask and I'll tell you privately). Already have a blog, website, FB account, etc under that one and can do similar linking/cross-posting, but might be a little more protection of the innocent so to speak.

Oh, and as for my writing, I finished the first draft of my novel last summer just before getting pregnant with Col. I haven't finished the first edit yet so I haven't let anyone else read it (tho there are a few trusted folks I'm thinking of just giving up on trying to edit it before showing it to - basically, people who I consider close family regardless of lack of DNA-sharing). I have two other very fleshed out stories in that same universe planned out, a few short stories planned in that universe (a few characters from the 1st one appearing in the others, but different main characters), and another storyline that is compatible with the universe of the first group but seems to want to be its own series that has been growing like a freaking wildflower in primo compost in my brain for the last month or so (that's the vampire one for those who know about it).

Baby Col is 3 months old as of yesterday, doing wonderful, very sweet-tempered baby even with some reflux issues (he doesn't spit up but I'm nearly positive it's partway up when he gets hiccups after nursing, as he REALLY gets unhappy when he has the hiccups). Big brothers are being wonderful to him but not always wonderful to each other (mostly fighting over time/space with the baby, ironically) and the biggest problem I'm having with sibling issues is keeping 6yr old from picking 3mo up off the floor when I set him down for a little tummy time. Baby spends most of his time in adult arms/babywearing just to keep from having him constantly poked by his brothers.

Monday, June 29, 2009

IT'S A LIVE!!! ALIVE!!!

OK, yeah, I've done it again - gone on over a month without an update. It's been a hectic month, to say the least.

On May 5th I became co-chair of the Lakewood City Schools Phase III Construction Project District Configuration Sub-Committee. Yes, this was something I volunteered to do, it was (is - the last meeting of the subcommittee is tomorrow) annoying as hell at times, but I really do feel like it was the most important thing I've done outside of the creation and well-being of my little family. Lakewood City Schools is reducing from 7 elementary schools down to 6 due to lowered enrollment and Ohio not giving us as much funding (Ohio says we only need 6 elementary schools so they'll only contribute toward the cost of 6 elementary schools). 4 of the 7 existing schools have already been remodeled in the last couple years, so that left 3 to look at to figure out which one(s) to close (there was a proposal to close two of them and open a new school geographically between them where there is currently a city park smooshed between the train tracks and a strip mall - I don't think I need to tell the reader exactly how popular THAT idea was with everyone aside from the person proposing it ). If current decision making process that I was being strongly encouraged (almost to the point of arm bending, but not quite) to use is any indicator, the decision making process for the prior remodels/renovations was rather flawed - as evidenced by two of the schools already done having DRASTICALLY lower percentages of households with enrolled children in them than the other two (one has 4.1% of households in its boundary line having enrolled children, the other has 6.9%, the average for the district as a whole is 9.4% and all 5 of the other schools in the current configuration are at or above that average, with those two removed the average for the remaining 5 schools is 10.9%). There are certain powers within this city who would really like to see one of the schools in particular (the one in the highest-child-density district, ironically) closed, bulldozed, and redeveloped as commercial property. This seemed like a rather bad long-term plan to me, so I went in search of data months before becoming co-chair to check my gut reaction to that plan. What I found demonstrated that it wasn't just a bad idea, it also could potentially wreck our happy little you-better-walk-cuz-there-ain't-enough-parking already existing commercial district if it encouraged families to move to the perimeter of the town to be closer to the elementary schools, reducing foot traffic to the shops (and also discouraging them to keep their spending in Lakewood, since if they live in the perimeter in all but one of the other elementary school boundaries, they've got really easy access to Big Box stores just across the town's boarders - and most parents with little ones, if they're going to have to load up the car anyway, they're going to go where they can park ONCE and get the majority of what they need without having to go inside and outside repeatedly in likely inclement weather). So I went in search of hard data, got access to the census data and a lovely person at the county auditor's office who crunched data in highly sophisticated mapping software that I didn't have time to learn to use (tho apparently there's some decent stuff available open-source), I learned Google Earth to a fairly high level of proficency and counted LOTS of expanding dots (dots representing enrolled children, geocoded into Google Earth so if I went over them with a mouse they expanded so I could get an accurate head count). I also found out that Mandell School of Applied Social Sciences aka MSASS (at Case Western Reserve University, aka CWRU, my alma mater) turns out not just social workers of the knock-on-doors or therapy kind, but also of the policy wonk kind. We'll see tomorrow and in August/September what others make of the data I've gathered and crunched, but the MSASS saga continues in the next paragraph in a life of its own.

So, the dean of MSASS, Gover "Cleve" Gilmore, was my undergrad prof for both statistics (a challenging class since I wasn't aware that I have mild dyscalculia - you mean EVERYONE doesn't have to do every equation on the calculator 3 or 4 times to get the same result twice???) and research design (which I totally rocked, thankyouverymuch). He and I had been in occasional contact in the time in between and he very much still remembered me when I asked him if he could put me in touch with someone who could help with the census access stuff I was seeking for the above project. As I think I mentioned earlier in this blog, I'd applied to CWRU's Sociology graduate program (or did most of the application, at least - never took the stinking, time-wasting, back-throwing-out GRE) but was not hearing anything encouraging on the funding for part-time study so kinda let it drop (there's no way with my fatigue, physical disabilities, and family I could manage full-time study, a fellowship, AND not be a danger on the roads and/or zombie mommy, so the being safe on the roads and human with my family won). Cleve encouraged me to apply to MSASS, pointing me toward their Community and Social Development degree (policy wonk heaven I think, if only I could manage to do the dual degree with the law school at the same time *sigh* yeah, that's not gonna happen). Deadline for the Sociology program for fall admission was back in April so it never occured to me that MSASS's deadline would be so late - TOMORROW, JUNE 30TH! Sooo... I've got most of my application completed, just need to spend some time today updating my resume (which I haven't done since sometime around 2001, so, yeah, WAY out of date - nothing I've been doing in the interum has required a resume so I hadn't bothered to keep it up-to-date). I've also gotten 3 spiffy new recommendation forms filled out, and I'm planning to hand-deliver everything non-digital today. It'll be nice to finally meet Churyl, the lovely admissions lady I've been emailing back and forth and apparently sending into bouts of active laughter in the office with my weird sense of humor (which I see no need to hide from anyone, even someone responsible for helping decide if I get into grad school or not). I'm getting everything in on time for consideration for fall admission, though if the funding isn't there for me to go part-time (I *might* try full-time study if there's scholarship/work-from home fellowship promised, just can't deal with communting and family safely on top of ~40hrs outside the house). If funding looks more promising for starting in January (aka "spring" semester), then I'll do that instead.

In addition to all that, we've also celebrated Liam's 5th and Delano's 2nd birthdays and gone to Cedar Point twice and Kalahari Indoor Waterpark-Resort-and-Spa once (the 3 night stay at Kalahari was paid for by Garvin's work's sponsors or something, he was at a conference there while the kids and I were playing in the water). And I got myself a new laptop that I'd been drooling over for over a year (HP TouchSmart tx2) which I'm typing this up on (the keyboard is very nice, the tablet conversion with multi-touch will come in more handy while reading massive amounts of hopefully online journals for grad school, and it's small -but not too-and light and has decent battery life).

I will make another post with links to kids birthday party pictures soon. Haven't had time to organize and upload anything for ages.

OH, and if you're seeing this on Facebook and waiting for a response from me I haven't been ignoring you - I've not logged in to FB since around Easter, everything on my profile there has been posted via conduits (aka my cell phone, cross-posted by Twitter, or from this blog). I'm going to try to make some serious time to work on my novel in the next month (I want to complete it before the end of July) after getting this grad application finished, plus spend time with my family, plus sometimes post on my blog, Facebook priority comes in around this slot. I'll be back eventually.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Urg.

So today is one of the every-other-Fridays that Liam doesn't have school in his pre-k program. Usually I'm having to drag him out of bed at 7:45 to get dressed and fed before I drag D out of bed at 8am to change his diaper and let him get his favorite "stick cheese" (aka string cheese) out of the fridge on the way out to the van to get Liam to school at 8:30. Today? No school, Liam was up past bedtime yesterday with no nap, and still the little bugger wakes up at 7:10 AND proceeds to wake his little brother up for a rousing game of tickle-wrestling on the bed around Mama trying to figure out where the kids' snooze buttons are (why doesn't that Vulcan trick work in real life, dammit!?!). I had just been contemplating sneakily getting up and trying to get some writing done when Liam head-butted his brother awake. And they're both in a very rough-and-tumble mood today, which isn't doing good things to my Fibromyalgia trigger points that they keep bumping into (because, you see, they're also both in a very SNUGGLY mood, so they're squirm snuggling which is driving me insane, I keep yelping when they knee/elbow/head-butt one of my trigger points).

In other news, my in-laws made it home safely from their month in China yesterday evening. I skipped my last Migun visit (I'd paid for a month of unlimited visits) to go pick them up at the airport (which is also why I'm not so well physically today, that thing really does improve my physical function pretty drastically - we're planning on purchasing one shortly, hopefully in the next week. G and I need to set up the space where it will "live" first and make sure that spot actually has an electric outlet). Hopefully the whole family will use it as my MIL is developing a bit of a hump-back from bending over a sewing machine daily for 30+ years, my FIL has bad knees from standing at a garment press for a decade (and being nearly 70), Garvin's been complaining of upper back complaints, and then there's me. Visitors will also be welcome to use the bed if they'd like. Reminds me, I need to search for one of their centers in the DC area to visit while I'm down there so that my mobility stays as good as possible while traveling.

OH! and while my in-laws were in China they got me something that I've been wanting from there for AGES. Harry Potter in Chinese. Entire series in a very nice box. I didn't ask if it's traditional Chinese instead of simplified (I had specifically asked for Traditional, Simplified I could actually have gotten myself from Amazon for a reasonable price, but they sent a cousin to get it so I'm not positive). Much joy there. I'm going to try to set my FIL up with a voice recorder (likely one of our Sandisk Sansas that has been seeing much less use since the BlackBerries got here and I found media player software that's audiobook friendly for mine), and ask him to read the books in Cantonese for us. Yes, he knows it's primarily for me (I'm hoping to use it as a language learning tool - I still have less than 50 words in Cantonese after nearly 13 years of knowing Garvin), but they also want the boys to learn Cantonese, not just Mandarin (which is all that is taught locally - there are a couple Chinese School - weekend class things - around, but they're Mandarin and while my in-laws speak it, they are primarily Cantonese speakers and Garvin speaks almost no Mandarin, his Chinglish is Cantonese-English). I'm going to try hard not to press the point that by the time the boys are actually old enough to enjoy the story and it's nuances, he may no longer be around to read it to them. I think the helping out with his own mother-in-law's declining health (which is what they were in China for - she had surgery and isn't doing too well) likely has his own mortality on his mind enough that I don't need to say anything. Certainly has his mortality on MY mind enough, at least. His sibling group has been fairly long-lived, but I also get the sense that the others lived less hard lives than he has. He still has several older siblings living (he's 9th youngest out of 10, numbers 6-10 are all still alive, 2 died a few years ago and I think 1 died last year, 5 died I think when I was pregnant with Liam - at least I think I'm keeping the time straight. I know one of them died when we were still living in the first place in Cleveland when Liam was tiny, maybe that was 5? All three of these were brothers, for what it's worth - I met 5 who lived in California and I can't remember his English name, I called him the Cantonese version of "Father's Older Brother #5" which is what Garvin calls him, uncle 2 was Uncle Joseph who lived in Toronto and reminded everyone strongly of my own paternal grandfather in appearance when we watched our wedding video with them - and my own grandfather is named Joseph too so it was rather erie. Uncle 1 I never met, he lived in China or Hong Kong still). I just realized I think he only has one older brother living now tho - Uncle Peter (Uncle #7), who is in New York and was a doctor until retiring about a decade ago. Very social and vivacious man, which adds to his life expectancy. He actually comes across as younger than my FIL by several years, at least to my impressions. My FIL has at least two older sisters still living (6 and 8, both in Toronto), I can't remember if there's another older sibling I'm forgetting about, and Uncle 10 (Uncle Kevin) is still in very good health in California (retired school teacher, also very outgoing and seems much more than 2-3 years younger than my FIL) My FIL is very much an introvert - to the point if it wasn't for the language/culture barrier I suspect he'd be diagnosed with some variant of social anxiety disorder, he tends to go into his shell and hide from new people/situations for a while. It's bad enough that sometimes I think that his marriage may have been semi-arranged or at least very heavily nudged by other family members - my in-laws are distant cousins, she's told me something about going to live with his mother to help out with things when she was a teenager, might have been when she attended seamstress school I'm not sure - she's rather vauge with the details, I think she thinks I'd not understand as a westerner but I really do want to know and understand so I can share that part of the family history with the kids.

Woah, what I have time to reread of that is REALLY rambling and probably hard for anyone else to follow but the kids have been climbing all over me and bumping keyboard buttons that have almost resulted in losing this post a couple times, so I can't reread/reorganize it to make it more sensible at this moment. Welcome to the way my brain works.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Clare's blessingway

Today I hosted a Blessingway for my bestmama-friend Clare. It went well, and since folks seemed to like it I've posted the text of the script I wrote for it here - all of the text was written by me except for the part that everyone had assigned parts, that part was written by Clare. It was sacred and secular at the same time, and seemed to go over well with all who attended. I'm fine with folks borrowing bits of it to host a Blessingway for another expectant mother, I'd like to know that you borrowed from me for it tho.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Seven-Word Wisdom

Clicking around the internet (which is about all I'm capable of some days when Del is kicking the keyboard off my lap every few seconds), I came across an article on the NY Times website (which may or may not require a login to read, sorry) about Seven-Word Wisdom, which they turned into a little contest. Synopsis: the point was to write 7 words of sage advice in the form of 3 haiku-like sentances - 2 words, 3 words, 2 words. The concept was based upon the original by author Michael Pollan, who wrote "In Defence of Food" complete with the catchy edict "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." The winners were:

Read Pollan. Take his advice. With salt.
Make promises. Don’t break them. Find loopholes.
Seek wisdom. Think for yourself. Avoid maxims
Enter contests. Don’t ignore rules. Try again.
Ate plants. A big heap. Still hungry. [that was the grand prize winner]


I found it rather interesting that all the winners (and the vast majority of the ones I scanned through of the 1000 replies that constituted the contest entries) stuck with periods for their sentences. No other punctuation. Had I seen the contest before it closed, my entry would have been:

Hit wall? Stop, look around. Find door!

This comes partially from a recent conversation with Serena about strenuous physical activities (marathons, fighting with foam weapons, giving birth, that kind of thing). I've heard many people over the years talk about hitting "a wall" and then you break through it and get a huge endorphin release/high. I told Serena then when *I* hit a wall, my usual response is to stop and reassess exactly where I was heading and if possibly there may be a more sane way of getting there instead of trying to be the Kool Aid Man. This has been a bit of a problem for me, all my life but especially recently. I haven't just been feeling like I've hit a wall, I feel like I've been talking to one and hitting my head against one repeatedly. Through thorough testing I have proven to myself that I am indeed not the Kool Aid Man and finding doors is a much better way of moving around walls. Brainstorming, experimenting, and problem-solving are my way of finding doors. Now if I can just get the rest of the household to try these doors instead of all the damn wall hitting that's been going on with the very strong-willed children we've managed to produce and the personality conflicts between adults. Interesting to note I'm the only member of the household who doesn't have high blood pressure. Hmm.