So I just got off the phone with my uncle in Virginia, whose middle daughter is getting married this Saturday (obviously we can't make it to the wedding). We had a nice conversation about why my father hasn't seen his grandson since June 2004, and it came up in conversation that apparently my sister had a baby girl on October 25, 2006. Born right around when I was starting to suspect I was pregnant this time around (I tested positive for pregnancy at home 2 days later). My uncle forwarded on the emails with tons of pictures, my father and his wife are apparently "SOOOOOOOOOO" thrilled with their little granddaughter (not kidding, the emails that were allegedly coming from my father's email address had the extra vowel thing like that going on, but they were signed with both his and his wife's names and I'm willing to bet that she wrote them because I've known her to use his email address before even though she has her own). How nice that they're celebrating when they've not bothered to even CALL me and see how we're doing, and there was clearly no attempt to include me in the email they sent out. Yes, he has my email address. He has my mother's phone number. He made no attempt.
Fuck him.
Seriously. Why do I bother feeling a sense of loss over not having this jackass in my life? I really do sometimes think my kids are better off believing that the majority of that side of the family all died in a train wreck or something. I've been wondering how I'm going to explain the absence of all these people from our lives that are in our wedding pictures, especially the ones that are clearly "extra important people" (i.e. my dad's other two kids, my dad) in the pictures that have very few people in them. I was fascinated by my parents' wedding album in early childhood, I remember pulling it out and thumbing through it even though my parents had been divorced for years by that point (they divorced when I was 2 1/2). That's the major concern I have. How am I going to explain this dickwad's absence to my kids? I just know the day isn't too far off when Liam asks me "who is that man putting a necklace on you, Mama?"
Fucking dickwad. It's a shame I'm too old to claim to have been a sperm bank baby.
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I think that if it were me (which is a bit of a stretch, because I don't see myself ever getting estranged from my family, but I don't know if whatever spouse I end up with would have a situation like that), I would wait. If the kid ends up asking who that man in the photo is, I would say that it's grandpa, and he's still alive but that he hasn't been in touch. If they ask why, then say "I'll tell you when you're older". If they want to meet these relatives, say something like "we'll see" and hope they lose interest. If they don't, who knows? Maybe it's time to offer the olive branch.
I think (though I know I don't know much about child development) that if the kid's old enough to ask and have a serious conversation about it, then they're old enough to make their own decisions about whether to have a relationship with those family members. Sure, to YOU they don't have much value, but they might form a meaningful relationship with one or more of your children somewhere down the line.
Anyway, it's possible that your father has realized that you haven't tried to contact him, and may even understand that he's done something to offend you, and him not trying to contact you is his way of respecting your wishes. He may not realize that one of the things he's done to offend you is to keep you out of the loop, but it's easy to make mistakes like that, especially if you're really bad at knowing what people really want. I know sometimes when I realize I've done something wrong to somebody, I get all ashamed and ignore them for the rest of my life, figuring it would have been better if they'd never known me at all. Maybe not the best tactic, but I think it's pretty common.
I don't know why I'm suddenly sympathetic. Maybe I've been reading too much bible.
No, I *have* kept in touch - every member of my biological family gets at the very least a holiday picture and newsletter so they know how to contact us and what's going on in our lives.
My father has lost the right to the term "grandpa". He is my kids' maternal grandfather in a geneological sense. "Any man can be a (grand)father, it takes someone special to be a daddy (or grandpa in this case)".
I'm not extending the olive branch this time around. I've had to be the one to do it too many times in the past, since I was a teenager. I'm not offering up my children to be abused by these fucktards, especially that man's wife. He has no spine. If he grows one and decides to extend the "olive branch" to me, I'd talk to him, but his wife is never to see my children. Period. She's the driving force behind everything that's happened between my father and me, from when I was in diapers. And he lets her.
I don't plan to make any mention of that biological lineage until the kids ask and/or are in double digit years. And when I do tell them, I'll also point out that this asswad has been living 8.6 mile away, a whole 22 minute drive (thank you google maps), for their entire childhood... and he's known our phone number (which hasn't changed since Liam was a month old) the whole time... not to mention how easy I am to find online (if you so much as google just "Ahmie" two of the first 4 results are me, not to mention he's known the domain names I own for years). He's made no effort, no attempt. He doesn't value us. And of course he knows he's done something to offend me - the reason I haven't called him in 3 years is because I "offended everyone in the room" (his words, 3 weeks later after showing no signs of offense at the time) by breastfeeding 2.5 week old Liam in his living room. Marvin was there. The only person fussed about it was my father's wife (who ranted at me and my father did nothing to shut the bitch up).
My father is about as much of a father to me as Tom Riddle Sr. was to Lord Voldemort. He sired me. That's about it. Best I can say is I have no interest in murdering him. He's not respecting my wishes, he's being a spineless toad. His wife's first response to any time I've not been willing to walk on eggshells around her is to tell him to cut me out of their life. Guess where I learned that little trick from so well?
The really sad thing is, I'm pretty sure a lot of the "teen rebellion" crap they dealt with from my sister is directly related to her not being able to trust them to love her unconditionally after she'd watched them "disown" me repeatedly for having a mind of my own (first time was when she was in 1st grade, mind you). Psychologically, she's been testing what she can get away with and still not be disowned for years, since shortly after my wedding (though more subtle things started before then - she turned 13 a few weeks before my wedding). She's been caught in the park smoking pot with her friends, been smoking cigarettes since sometime around age 15, been caught coming home drunk, threatened to run away, spending THEIR limited money on frivolous things like fake nails (which she's had consistantly since before my wedding), threatening to drop out of school (I'm not actually sure if she graduatated or not), getting crappy grades (the girl is NOT stupid but boy can she do a good impression of it)... etc etc etc... behaviorally she's been the polar opposite of me (well, aside from the not falling into the "respectful child" behavior). Whereas I was on honor roll, did extra curriculars, aimed for college, worked, didn't do drugs, etc etc etc. But still I was never rated "acceptable" (much less "exceeds expectations") in that family, and her mother constantly bitched about me. So how could she expect to earn her parents' appreciation if her 10-years-older sister couldn't? Why bother?
Mind you, she told me before Liam was born (I think even before I got pregnant) that she wanted to have a baby before she was 20. The baby was born 24 days after my sister's 20th birthday. She IS capable of setting long-term goals and meeting them (or getting very close at least).
And yes, I am intentionally not using any names in these posts.
Liam just woke up and came running out.
Well, if you really feel that strongly, maybe it's a good thing that they're cutting you out of their life; now you won't have to deal with them. The only problem (as you said) would be explaining it to the children, but I actually think kids can deal with an awful lot of dysfunction in their family without having it affect them too badly, so I wouldn't worry too much. I mean, look how well you turned out, and your kids will have so much more going for them early in life.
Technically, I cut him out of my life this time around back over the breastfeeding thing. He's been told that he's welcome in my home but his wife is not (Garvin and I do not want her around our kids, ever, period), and I will not set foot in their home. It was just the 3rd or so estrangement between us, the first two were his cutting the connection (the man literally said he disowned me, as if he'd ever "owned" me in the first place or contributed much to my existence besides DNA and always-late child support payments that my mom never bothered to get raised over 1979 levels).
Hey, speaking of funny Googling... apparently Gandhi had a good friend with the exact same name as my father back in the early 1900s. Same first and last name, same spelling. Well, at least my father's American name. He was born in Munich so his birth certificate has the German version of the name on it. Too bad the two men don't have more in common - that guy actually had a backbone (he was protesting the British treatment of the people of India).
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